conversation

Make Incarnation Your Model

 A little girl, frightened by a storm, had trouble with her parents’ reminder that God was with her.  “I know that God is here, but I need someone in the room who has some skin!” This is, of course, the claim of Christianity. God showed up in skin.

“The Word became flesh and took up residence among us. We observed His glory, the glory as the One and Only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.” (John 1:14) 

“Without question, this is the great mystery of our faith: Christ was revealed in a human body and vindicated by the Spirit. He was seen by angels and announced to the nations. He was believed in throughout the world and taken to heaven in glory.” (1 Timothy 3:16)

 So let’s talk today about incarnation; that is, “giving skin” to the presence of God in a way that carries on the legacy of Christ’s perfect embodiment.  This is why we are here, right? We are icons, image bearers, representatives, temples, the “body” of Christ.[1]  THIS IS WHO WE ARE. And because we are all that, we honor the Incarnate One who came to our world by living as an “incarnate church,”[2] a community humbly following the way of Jesus in everyday life so that we are “someone in the room who has skin” in the midst of life’s storms.  

We won’t do it perfectly; we can’t do it without the Holy Spirit empowering us. But…it’s our calling. It’s what we are made for. What follows can apply, I think to pretty much any situation: your family, friends, coworkers, fellow church members, those to whom we are trying to witness. 

 

GO

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2: 5-8)

God didn't wait for us to come to Him. He came to us.  We have a Great Commission: we have to go to where others are instead of wait for them to come to us. We often think of ‘going’ in a cross-cultural context. When we go to places not Traverse City, we eat new food, learn new languages, and celebrate with the different neighborhood customs (sometimes we do that right here in TC).  We live in that community in that context. Barring some sense in which we are asked to participate in something sinful, we are there to enter into their world, and that’s good and proper. 

We show people we care by engaging with and caring about them in their world as much as we can without compromise. This happens everywhere: from oversees to our homes, our church, our community.  It’s a universal principle.   

  • Want to talk to little kids effectively? Kneel when you speak.

  • Want to show your spouse you care? Plan a date he or she wants.  

  • Want to connect with your kids? Play music they like too while you are driving; play Hi Ho Cherrio for hours; build a fort out of a box.

  • Want to connect with someone who loves to fish, hike, or build stuff? Be ready to fish, hike or build stuff.

  • Want to have a good relationship with someone with a different religious or political worldview? Take the time to get to know their ‘mental community.’ 

 Enter their world.  It’s a relationship-building principle that not only honors others, but paves the way for a) genuine friendship and b) the message of the gospel. Once you go, the next step is to know, and this starts by listening.

 

LISTEN THOROUGHLY

One of the best ways to get to know people is to listen to them – their story, hopes, dreams, fears, even opinions.  Listening is a way of saying, “It’s not all about me. I want to know about you. I want to see who you are. You matter.”  This does not always come easily. Try this checklist:

1)   I make a great effort to understand other people’s experiences.

2)   When people are angry, I can listen without reflecting their anger. 

3)   People freely share with me because they know I listen well.

4)   I learn from nonverbal cues, body language, and tone of voice. 

5)   I am able to show sympathy and empathy.

6)   I ask for clarification about how words are used and what emotion I am sensing rather than filling in the blanks. 

7)   I don’t wait impatiently to make my point or have my turn.

8)   I can file stuff away to think or learn more about rather than feeling like I have to address it right now.

9)   I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt rather than read the worst possibilities into what I don’t understand. 

10) I don’t speak when I should be listening. [3]

Listening well is a key starting point in incarnation. We listen to understand and value the image of God in other people. They have worth simply as people.  

“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” – David Augsburger

 Now… it might be that what you hear is appalling. It might be obnoxious. It might lead you to mutter, “Get thee behind me, Satan!” It might just break your heart. Keep in mind that the LISTENING is not the same as:

  • Approving

  • Enabling

  • Applauding

  • Excusing 

Listening is an act of knowing.  And from that knowing, we respond. 

SPEAK CAREFULLY 

Once you have listened, there are some ways to respond that, once again, a) honor the image bearer, b) hopefully build relationship, and c) build a relationship on the foundations of gospel.[4] 

Reflect: I think I hear you saying…” This is a call to accuracy and clarity.  It stops us from assuming, from reading between the lines, from filtering what someone ways so we hear what we wanted to hear.  We can hear even the hardest things without getting upset if our first goal is to reflect: “I think I hear you saying that…”

1.       “… my faith is foolish, and Christianity is hogwash.”

2.       “…I am aloof and stand-offish when I interact with people.”

3.       “…Christians hate the sin and the sinner.”

4.       “…bacon is not tasty.”[5]

 Validate:  I mean this like validating a parking lot ticket: you give a stamp that proves you were present with that person. This can happen in a number of ways. ‘I hear you… I think I understand… Based on what you have said, I can understand why you feel that way... It sounds like you have been through a lot.”  Validating for someone that they have been heard is not the same as approving or agreeing with everything they have told you. It’s simply an acknowledgment that they have been heard, you have attempted to understand, and maybe even that their response makes sense in that circumstance/ time/place – which is still different from applauding it.  “Considering your experiences…”

1.       “…I can see why it would be easy to think that about Christianity.”

2.       “… I can see why I appear that way at times.”

3.       “… No wonder you feel like it’s not possible to separate sin from the sinner.”

4.       “… your taste buds appear to have been terribly compromised.”

 Explore: “I have some follow up questions.”

1.     “What do you think about Jesus himself? What is it you find compelling about the life you have chosen?  Are you telling me this because you just want me to know, or you want me to engage with you?

2.     “What specifically can I do to make sure I don’t come across that way?”

3.     “When you read about Jesus, does he seem to balance these things, or does he seem hateful too? Do you think I hate sinners?  

4.     “Did a pig bite you at one time? Were you frightened by Porky Pig?”

 Engage:

No matter what approach is needed, our desire for those around ought to be that every conversation is characterized by speaking and learning God’s truth, and displaying God’s grace through our words and actions.   

  1.  “I think there is another way of looking at faith that is more accurate and healthy than the picture you were given.”

  2.  “I appreciate you giving me your honest assessment. I will see if I can get some feedback from others as well.” 

  3. “I have found that people love me even when they don’t love everything about me. That’s what Jesus did for me. I try to pass that on.”

  4. “Have you tried bacon with bacon? Because they go together well.”

 The journey might look different in each relationship, but the goal is the same.  We are praying for the wisdom to be as humble as we should be,[6] bold as we need to be, as kind as we can be for the sake of moving together further and higher into the Kingdom of God. 

What we are praying for is the ability to MATCH OUR MISSION TO THE MOMENT. When I was coaching, I learned that different people respond to different kinds of motivation (shocking insight, I know). Some players flourished when I encouraged them out of failure (big hug during a time out); others flourished when I got in their face (big hug after the game). 

With God’s help, knowing  others will help us to know when to do and say what. Parents, you know how it is with kids. They are different. One kid didn’t respond until you were all up in their business; the other one melted down when you looked a little but unhappy. The longer we know our spouse, the better (hopefully) we get at when to do and say what. There is an art to matching our engagement to the person. 

This is one reason we are focusing right now as a church on creating ways to just spend time together, from small groups to affinity groups to potlucks.  If we are present and invested in people in the moment, we build a track record of knowledge and experience that God uses to prepare us for the deep moments of relationship. 

The Holy Spirit inspires, of course; many of you have shared stories of this in Message+ over the years. God gives inspiration.  Here’s a both/and: the Holy Spirit also leads us into wisdom through practical experience and relationship.

All relationships are built in a context of experiences and people.  If we have taken the time to know the person, the place, the background, the culture, then as Christ moves us and the Holy Spirit gives us wisdom, we can most effectively match our messages (through word and deed) to moments. 

This helps us more fully model the incarnational love of Christ to our family, our church, our city. Because Christ entered our world, we enter into the world of others without compromise to represent Christ with care and confidence so the glory of His redemption is clear. 

I want to close with the broader context of the verses I quoted earlier from Philippians 2. You will see that the example of Jesus’ incarnation is situated right in the middle of a discussion on what modeling incarnation looks like in the church.  Since modeling incarnation was our focus this morning, it seems like a fitting close.

Philippians 2 If you find any comfort from being in the Anointed, if His love brings you some encouragement, if you experience true companionship with the Spirit, if His tenderness and mercy fill your heart; then, brothers and sisters, here is one thing that would complete my joy:

Come together as one in mind and spirit and purpose, sharing in the same love. 3 Don’t let selfishness and prideful agendas take over. Embrace true humility, and lift your heads to extend love to others. 4 Get beyond yourselves and protecting your own interests; be sincere, and secure your neighbors’ interests first.5 In other words, adopt the mind-set of Jesus the Anointed. Live with His attitude in your hearts. Remember:

Though He was in the form of God, He chose not to cling to equality with God; But He poured Himself out to fill a vessel brand new; a servant in form and a man indeed.
The very likeness of humanity, 
He humbled Himself, obedient to death — a merciless death on the cross! So God raised Him up to the highest place and gave Him the name above all. 10 So when His name is called, every knee will bow, in heaven, on earth, and below. 11 And every tongue will confess  “Jesus, the Anointed One, is Lord,”  to the glory of God our Father!

 12 So now, my beloved, obey as you have always done, not only when I am with you, but even more so when I can’t be. Continue to work out your salvation, with great fear and trembling.

  •  labor; work it down to the end point, bring it to its right conclusion[7]

  • Carry to completion what is begun,”[8] or “carry into effect.”[9]

  • “Watchful, loving, reverent consistency, for his Lord’s sake.”[10]

  •  "Salvation" is "worked in" (Php 2:13; Eph 1:11) believers by the Spirit, who enables them through faith to be justified once for all; but it needs, as a progressive work, to be "worked out" by obedience, through the help of the same Spirit, unto perfection (2Pe 1:5-8).[11]

13 God is energizing you so that you will desire and do what always pleases Him.

14 Do all things without complaining or bickering with each other, 15 so you will be found innocent and blameless; you are God’s children called to live without a single stain on your reputations among this perverted and crooked generation. Shine like stars across the land. 16 Cling to the word of life so that on the day of judgment when the Anointed One returns I may have reason to rejoice, because it will be plain that I didn’t turn from His mission nor did I work in vain.


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[1] 1 Corinthians 12; Ephesians 3-4; Colossians 1

[2] “We are the body,” Paul says. We are a new and ongoing kind of incarnation – clearly different from Jesus (anyone here divine?) but nonetheless participatory in the representation of God on God’s behalf.

1)    [3] Why would we talk too much? Maybe…. 

·       Love? Because we love them, there is soooo much truth they need to hear. There are times, however, when great intentions can have misplaced application.

·       Nervousness?  We control the conversation or change to a more comfortable topic because we don’t want tension inside us or between us to escalate. (This can feel like peacemaking, when it’s peacekeeping). 

·       Narcissism?  We genuinely think anything we have to say is of utmost importance; “My speaking is a much better use of our time! Have you not heard my thoughts!!!”

·       Lack of Faith? Maybe there are times the Holy Spirit wants us to be quiet even though something is begging to be said. Do we trust that God can do work even if we don’t get all the words out in the timing we think we should?

[4]  I am assuming a conversation in which it is not overwhelmingly clear there is something terrible going on, btw. There is a time and place for OT prophet-style unleashing; Jesus himself had some blunt things to say in public to those who were ‘making disciples of hell.’[4]  That involves people Proverbs would call “Fools”. Those are not my focus today. We can talk about that more in Message+ if you wish.

[5] These are all reflections I have offered at some point. Even the bacon one.

[6] An honest look inside shows us that we are more broken than we feared, but God is more powerful than we imagined.  As we understand brokenness and then grace, we know who we are and it illuminates the goodness of God.  Grace, compassion, truth and humility flow from us as we desire for others to see Christ as we have seen him. 

[7] HELPS Word Studies

[8] Ellicott’s Commentary For English Readers

[9] Expositor’s Greek Testament

[10] Cambridge Bible For Schools And Colleges

[11] Jameison-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary

Our Life (with others) Part 2 & 3

We've been in Ephesians (specifically Ephesians 4) talking about the different ways God equips people in His church to minister in order to bring maturity and growth in Christ. 

  • We looked at the gifting of apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors and teachers in the early church (and noted it was a partial list).

  • We looked at how a (sometime different) expression of those gifts continues for the sake of creating a well-rounded church.

  • We talked about how the point of these gifts (as with any gift) is the growth and maturity of the church, not the influence of the person with the gift or even the gift itself.

  • We noted the Bible does not tell us to pursue these gifts. They are given as God sees fit.

  • They are not markers of spiritual elitism.

  • Each of us individually ministers to other people in ordinary, every day life in a way that aligns with those different gifts.

 And we noted that life together is hard. Often our interaction includes challenges or confrontation. Encouragement is fun. Everybody likes that. However, conversations that are meant to move us deeper into discipleship with Christ are often very hard. Last week after the service, someone asked me, “Do I have to listen to everybody who wants to confront or challenge me?” Great question. Let me add a couple more.

  • Do we have to agree to listen to or meet with anybody who calls us up and says we have to talk about something in our life?

  • What if we are trying to listen, but people are jerks?

  • What if we are at a place in our life where only one kind of voice/approach  are coming through clearly right now?

  • What if we have been hurt or mislead by someone before – do we need to keep listening?

  • What do we do if we approach someone and they don’t listen?

  • What if people think we are always out of line when we weigh in on something?

It’s a good thing Paul keeps writing. 

“ If you have heard Jesus and have been taught by Him according to the truth that is in Him, then you know to take off your former way of life, your crumpled old self—that dark blot of a soul corrupted by deceitful desire and lust— so that you are transformed as God renews your mind, attitude and spirit. Then you are ready to put on your new self, modeled after the very likeness of God: truthful (speaking and living what’s real), righteous (approved by God), and holy (living within God’s design).

 Sounds good, right? So, how does that look? 

THEREFORE, put away your lies and speak the truth to one another because we are all part of one another. When you are angry, don’t let it carry you into sin. Don’t let the sun set with anger in your heart or give the devil room to work. If you have been stealing, stop. Thieves must go to work like everyone else and work honestly with their hands so that they can share with anyone who has a need. Don’t let even one rotten word seep out of your mouths. Instead, offer only fresh words that build others up when they need it most. That way your good words will communicate grace to those who hear them.

 It’s time to stop bringing grief to God’s Holy Spirit; you have been sealed with the Spirit, marked as His own for the day of rescue. Banish bitterness, rage and anger, shouting and slander, and any and all malicious thoughts—these are poison. Instead, be kind and compassionate. Graciously forgive one another just as God has forgiven you through Jesus, our Liberating King. (Ephesians 4:21-32, The Voice)

 Paul is showing us two ways that life together can go wrong or right: with our words and with our attitudes (that lead to actions). There is a lot to unpack here, so today we are going to focus on the first part: how we build each other up and are built up with words.

 “Don’t let even one rotten word seep out of your mouths. Instead, offer only fresh words that build others up when they need it most. That way your good words will communicate grace to those who hear them.” (Ephesians 4:29)

There are 4 Principles For Conversation found in Ephesians 4.The first three are for the speakers, those of us who believe that, in the course of life together as Christians, we need to step into someone else’s life to challenge or confront. (I’m not talking about easy conversations. I’m talking about the hard times in life together). The last part is for the listeners.

#1. Not even one rotten word (worthless; rotten; corrupt)

 “Rotten” is a broad word so let’s narrow it down with other examples from Scripture.

  • Slander (Psalm 50:20, 21). Defaming someone’s character.

  • Gossip (Proverbs 16:28) Spreading stories.

  • Arguing (Philippians 2:14) Constant confrontation.

  • Criticizing (Matthew 7:1) Consistently judgmental perspective.

  • Complaining (Philippians 2:14) Nothing is good enough.

  • Filthy language (Colossians 3:8) Crudeness; offensiveness.

  • Boasting (James 4:16) Relentless self-promotion.

  • Lying (Exodus 20:16) Deliberate deception, especially about others.

  “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34). Your words are a gauge of what’s in your heart. So when we read that we are not to let rotten, worthless corrupt words come out of our mouths, we need to realize this is addressing our hearts as well.

If you are a slanderous, gossipy, argumentative, critical complainer who boasts and lies and generally speaks crudely… you might want to think twice about deciding you should be stepping into other people’s lives and calling them out on their stuff.  You might have the most insightful thing in the world to say… and never be heard because you have allowed these things to fester in your heart – and they spill over in your words.

By the way, if you ever get frustrated that no one will listen to you, check this list – and then have the courage to ask others to give you some feedback based on this list. You might have great stuff to offer, but if you are harboring these issues in your life, people are already having trouble getting along with you, and they you are piling on with words. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

 So the first step in communication: own your stuff. Take an honest look at the state of your heart. Pray for the Holy Spirit to bring you discernment – and then ask a trusted friend or two to join in.

 #2. Words that build up…

 This word carries with it the idea of building a home; (figuratively) it is constructive criticism and instruction that builds a person as a suitable dwelling place where the Lord is "at home." (biblehub.com).

 God builds the foundation of our new life through Christ; we are the “living stones” that build on this foundation. As with any home, quality matters. God allows us to play a role in building up the church by building up the people in the church. We used to sing a song, “Building up the temple… building up the temple of the Lord.” That’s the idea.

 So if “no unwholesome talk” was what not to do, here’s what you should do. Think of everyone as the dwelling place of God, and you by your words will help to build a place where God is at home. What does this look like? Jesus said to pray that God’s kingdom would come to earth. What characterizes God’s Kingdom? Love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, self-control, truth, grace, purity, hope… Is that what we build with?

What difference would it make if we consciously thought about this with every word we said. My kids get on my nerves – am I building up or tearing down the dwelling place of God with the next thing I say?  My spouse annoys me… my friends let me down…am I doing my best to bring about the things that characterize God’s Kingdom on earth?

My brother or sister in Christ needs someone to speak into their lives. I guess it’s me (we think with fear and trembling!) What attitude and words can I use that will build up the dwelling place of God? 

 #3. “When they need it the most”

Proverbs 27:14 says, “If one blesses his neighbor with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be counted as a curse to him.” Sometimes we just shouldn’t talk.  If you are going to speak a challenge into someone else’s life, you have to meet them where they are. The pressure is on you to see and understand the person to whom you are talking and speak according to their needs.

Proverbs 25:11 says, “Words spoken at the right time are like golden apples in a basket of silver.” In other words, they are precious. They are in short supply. Anyone can say worthless and corrupt things. It’s easy. Beautiful speech is hard. If you can speak appropriately, you will stand out as you bring richness and beauty to your relationships.

If that sounds hard, it is. That sounds like time spent together…friendship… relationship…investing in someone’s life so that by blood, sweat and tears you have gotten to know them, and NOW you are at least in a position to bring life to them and build them up according to their needs.

How many times do we walk away from a tense situation with someone thinking, “They have issues. I was just faithful to say what God laid on my heart. If they can’t hear it, it’s their problem.” Maybe it is. Maybe it’s not. Maybe you did not take the time to pray, to prepare, to make sure you were in a position to build up according to their needs, not vent according to yours. Maybe you barged in when they weren’t ready for you. Maybe you were a spiritual bull in an emotional china shop. Maybe you are the issue.

If you are speaking, do it with fear and trembling, with your radar up for signs that you are bringing offense that comes from you and not your message. Pray for wisdom. Make sure you are on solid ground biblically (am I speaking truth?) and relationally. Ask permission. Rewrite emails 5 times. If appropriate, ask others for their discernment. If you offend, listen and learn.

#4. To those who hear them…

And now we get to the one receiving the message. You are supposed to listen. Proverbs 12:15 reads, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.”

In a community of ‘give and take’ with people who are often different from you, there will be times when people speak your language, and times when they don’t. Sometimes people will approach you at just the right time, and other times they won’t. So what do we do if we as a listener have a lot of reasons not to listen, or we have trouble hearing what others have to say because of how past experiences have formed us?

First, set boundaries. It’s okay to draw lines. Maybe some people shouldn’t have permission to speak into your life because of their track record, and you say, “No thanks. I have others around me who are helpful right now.” Maybe there are others you want to hear, but you are really nervous, so you meet them with a third party. When I was coaching, I had the AD read emails from angry parents. I know a couple where one of them filters certain email messages for the other one. Boundaries are okay.

Second, if speakers have to own their stuff, listeners do to. People will offend you. And maybe it’s them – but since I already covered that - maybe it’s you. Maybe you are overlooking a heart that is for you and you are only seeing an approach that offends you. Maybe you are reading into what they say. Maybe you are letting past experiences distort how you view the present one.

If you are listening, do it with openness and humility, with your radar up for signs that your past experiences or your personality are making it hard to hear what’ being said. Set clear and safe parameters for communication if you need to. Try to hear without needing to defend. Filter the message through others. See what the Bible has to say. Pray for God’s wisdom.