“We believe that God wonderfully and immutably creates each person as male or female. Together they reflect the image and nature of God (Genesis 1:26-27). Marriage is the uniting of one man and one woman as delineated in Scripture (Genesis 2:18-25; Matthew 19:5-6). It is intended to be a covenant by which they unite themselves for life in a single, exclusive union, ordered toward the well-being of the spouses and designed to be the environment for the procreation and upbringing of children.” [1]
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Sam Allberry asks the question, “Why does God care who I sleep with?” The answer: because he cares deeply about people who are doing the sleeping.[2]
I’m going to make a case for a biblical view of sex, sexuality and marriage[3]. I’m not going to talk much about roles in marriage[4], and I’m not going to spend time on overcoming or recovering from sexual sin[5] - which, to be sure, are important topics, but they are not the focus of this short series, which is already longer than I anticipated.
I am going to talk about a biblical view of human sexuality, which means we are going to talk about sex and gender (male and female[6]), sex (the activity[7]), and marriage[8]. Whatever your status in life, I hope this can serve to biblically ground your thinking about God and these issues, so that as we all commune together in church community and go out as salt and light into our city, we can all bring a shared biblically informed view into situations we encounter.
Biblically speaking, there are at least five common misconceptions about sex found either in church or in our culture.
1. Sex is simply a natural appetite like eating or drinking, and so is no big deal. This ‘food” terminology is as old as the Bible. Proverbs 5 reminds married folk to “drink from their own well.” “"Food for the stomach and the stomach for food" was a popular phrase among the sexually immoral in Corinth (1 Corinthians 6:13). This idea still has momentum 2,000 years later. People who find someone else deeply attracted to someone are referred to as “thirsty.” We use the term “food porn?” to describe pictures of food for people who like food. It’s just another kind of porn - if all appetites are the same. We don’t care if people watch the Food Network; why not Pornhub?
Sex is just hungry and thirsty people indulging. Evolution has hardwired us to be promiscuous, right? Ignoring or stifling our impulse is unhealthy.
2. It’s private and personal. It’s my business and no one else’s. “Get your laws out of my bedroom!” You live your life, and I’ll live my mine. Nobody has any business telling me what I should or shouldn’t feel or do, or how I ought to perceive myself.
3. Sex is embarrassing, maybe even shameful, and our sex drive is something that needs to be squelched. I grew up in a church culture that unintentionally sent this message. When people got married, they had this nagging thought that they probably shouldn't be enjoying sex. They had absorbed the notion that sexual desire was dirty and sexually desirable people were somehow bad, and that was not an easy lesson to unlearn.
4. Sex is a critical form of self-expression and personal fulfillment, a way to ‘find yourself’ and be truly happy. In this view, sex is primarily for individual fulfillment and self-realization. Those who want to put boundaries around sex are actually stifling the personal growth of others. At best, these moral policemen are jealous of the sex lives of others or scared by the power of sexuality. At worst they are bullying or coercing people to accept the bully’s notion of sexuality morality.
5. Our sexuality is an almost irresistible flood on which we are carried to whatever consensual destination it takes us. That’s just my creative attempt at saying there is a cultural message that we should follow our heart, our urges, our desires, whatever wells up inside of us. There are no boundaries other than what the law puts around you. As long as someone else consents, we’re good.[9]
The Bible offers what I believe is a far more complex and compelling view.
1. Christians agree that the sexual urge is a powerful drive that God places in us, but disagree that ignoring or stifling impulses is necessarily unhealthy. Sexuality and sexual desire is a gift. The challenge is stewarding that part of our nature in line with God’s design. Alexander Men, a Russian Orthodox priest, writes,
“The Pharisees were constantly stumbling into passerby. They were afraid to lift their eyes lest they should accidentally look upon a woman. They were called, in jest, khitsay, ‘don't-hit-your-head.’”
It‘s not as if Jewish women were dressing in revealing ways, so this is not the same as avoiding pornography or averting our eyes from blatant immodesty. It seems the Pharisees were afraid of even glimpsing a female lest they experience anything that was even remotely a recognition that God wired us to find people attractive. That’s not a sign of spiritual, emotional or sexual health. That’s trying to pretend that we are not the kind of people God designed us to be.
Refusing to acknowledge God’s purposeful design in this area doesn’t do anyone any good. This is about stewardship. To the Christian, our sex drive needs boundaries not because sex is something to be feared, but because sex is something to be revered.
Like our drives for food and drink, the sex drive has been distorted because of sin. I like C.S. Lewis’ analogy about the food/drink/appetites comparison:
“Suppose you came to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a covered plate on to the stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let every one see, just before the lights went out, that it contained a mutton chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something had gone wrong with the appetite for food?”
Food has its place, but that’s not it. If the belly always gets what it wants, eventually appetites will control us. The more we align our desire for and use of the food and drink around us with the design of our bodies, the healthier we are. Our challenge is to align our sexual appetites with God’s design, which means we have to understand the importance of bodies and boundaries. Shipwrecked sailors get so thirsty they might drink sea water out of desperation. It won’t help at all. Boundaries matter for all kinds of thirsts.
Practical example: biblically speaking, there is one woman who is the rightful recipient of my sexual thoughts and desires and the expected accompanying activity. That is my wife. Even if someone else offers themselves to me, their body is not mine to take. Even if I want someone else, my body is not mine to give. It belongs to God[10], and God tells me that my wife is the only one who has a rightful claim, and the only one on whom I have a claim and toward whom my eyes, heart, thoughts and actions are to be sexually oriented.[11]
As for evolution wiring us to be promiscuous, I wonder, if that were the case, why evolution did not also wire us to be more resistant[12] to STDs[13] or equip us better for the emotional fallout?[14] Let’s go back to food and drink. If you misuse them, you will get sick. The use did not match the design. If getting physically or emotionally sick is a natural and/or expected cause-and-effect scenario from your sex life such that you have to take active steps to try to stop those things from happening, it may be time to consider that the your use does not match God’s design.[15]
The Bible never presents sex as simply recreational; it is never casual, meaningless or insignificant. In sex, one body signals to another body, “We are in covenant now.”[16] This purpose is found through both general revelation (nature) and special revelation (the Bible). They both tell us that our sexual organs have a design, and thus our sex life does as well.[17]Nancy Pearcey says,
Pick up any recent book on sexuality and you will read about the role played by hormones such as oxytocin and vasopressin…The chemical is released when a mother nurses her baby, and it stimulates an instinct for caring and nurturing. It is often called the attachment hormone. Imagine the surprise when scientists discovered that oxytocin is also released during sexual intercourse, especially (but not exclusively) in women… As one sex therapist puts it, when we have intercourse, we create “an involuntary chemical commitment.”
Even when you intend to just have casual sex, “biology might trump your intentions.” The same holds true for men. The main neurochemical responsible for the male response in intimate sexual contact is vasopressin. It is structurally similar to oxytocin and has a similar emotional effect. Scientists believe it stimulates bonding with a woman and with offspring. Vasopressin has been dubbed ‘the monogamy molecule…’ “You might say we are designed to bond.”
Think of the phrases, “This is ‘no strings attached’. This is just a hook-up. We are just friends. Let’s not read too much into this.” But the words we exchange and the desire to ‘not let it get complicated’ won’t change our bodies or God’s design. A young lady wrote in to Glamour Magazine:
“After casual sex, I often get emotionally attached to whoever I slept with, even if I know I don’t want to be with them. I’ll snap out of it later, but how can I better separate emotions and sex? Sometimes I just want to orgasm without catching feelings.” —L.G., 26, Los Angeles
Glamour’s response?
“Just be glad people are willing to sleep with you. If you get emotionally attached, so be it. Nothing heals that more than time, a cheese plate, and a little alcohol. (Just go easy on the cheese.)”[18]
That’s not just bad advice; that's destructive advice. There is a rising epidemic of alcoholism on college campuses as more and more coeds drink themselves into a place where they will be able to detach emotionally from a sexual game they feel forced to play. This is not freedom. This is not abundant life.
Our words try to tell one story (“This is no big deal”) while our bodies can’t help but tell a different - and true - story. Whenever this tension exists, all kinds of tensions will follow.
2. Christians agree it’s a private act – or at least should be – but it has public consequences. Sex is not meant to be a spectator sport. Even our secular laws make people ‘get a room’. Why, if it’s just two mammals enjoying each other? Because there’s more to it than just bodies in motion, and we all know it.
The consequences are very public. Children are the most practical example, of course, but what if I, even as a married man, sexually pressure my wife or simply become calloused to her experience? That’s not just a ‘me and her’ issue; that’s going to change how she views men in general, and it’s going to form how I view women. My kids may well pick up on what’s going on not because they see us having sex, but because my attitude can’t help but permeate everything I do with my wife, and that will permeate my family.
Our views of men and women as a group are formed one relationship at a time. Each man and each woman, like it or not, bears the weight of doing PR for their entire tribe. That’s a public consequence. The Atlantic published an article about the woman who accused a popular comedian of a sort of #metoo moment. The author notes at one point:
“Eventually, overcome by her emotions at the way the night was going, she told him, ‘You guys are all the f****** same’ and left crying. I thought it was the most significant line in the story: this has happened to her many times before. What led her to believe that this time would be different?”
How we act on our sexuality and our sexual urges is remarkably formative of our character, and it inevitably impacts those around us, because the self that we have formed interacts with them, and that self interacts with others...
3. Christians better not agree that sex is something about which we should be ashamed.God created sex and sexuality; the Bible celebrates it;[19] the New Testament actually commands it for people who are married.[20] The Bible is clear that sex is supposed to bring, pleasure, joy, laughter, intimacy, trust, self-giving, mutual care and comfort…
Sex is one of those unique things that can go from exhilarating to embarrassing in a moment. If someone – say, a 4-year-old - has ever walked in on you parents, you cover up and lie about what you and mommy were doing. And yet moments before there was no embarrassment.
If we are not careful, we can focus on the embarrassment in a way that suggests sex is shameful, when it is not. It’s actually pretty cool, and we parents hide ourselves not because something is wrong with what we are doing, but because what we are doing is sacred – or at least it’s meant to be.
Being particularly careful about something is often a sign of its special worth and how much we value it. I treat a playing card of vintage Jordan much better than the card of some journeyman who played three games in the NBA. One is protected; it’s not a public plaything. The other – I just don’t care. I'm particular, protective and secretive about physical intimacy with my wife- as is she with me - not because we value each other and sex so little, but because we value each other and it so much.“[21]
4. Christians agree that sex has the potential to bring individual happiness and relational fulfillment (read Song of Solomon if you have any questions), but disagree that this is the purpose of sex.
Throughout the rest of this mini-series I will be making the case that sex is not less than this, but is much more than this. In brief:
First, I think sex (and marriage) are meant to primarily to function as spiritual analogies that teach us something about the nature of God and the love of Jesus for the church[22]. It’s not the only way to learn it, but it’s certainly one way to do so.
Second, it is the means by which we fulfill the mandate to Adam and Eve as well as Noah to “fill the earth” with image bearers. Anyone can do this spiritually, but parents have the mandate to do so physically.
Third, it’s the means of having a darn good time in covenantal initiation and renewal with our spouse.[23]
5. Christians recognize the sexual river on which we have been placed, but we let Jesus take the helm, and the rudder, and whatever else steers our sexual boat. [24]Why? Because God designed us, and he will steer us in a path of life. Sex either unites us individually and culturally, or it tears us apart.[25]
It is meant to permanently intertwine our lives by intertwining our bodies. When done as God designed, it unites with ever increasing bonds of intimacy. But this same powerful act can be remarkably destructive.[26] If someone is used or abused, treated as an object rather than a person, loved only when they “put out,” well, that’s terrible.
The body is not a meat playground, and our genitals are not just playground equipment. We are image bearers;[27] our bodies are designed to be temples;[28] are genitals are part of a “holy space” in which God intends to dwell. When they are misused, the temple is defiled; when it is abused, a holy place is being desecrated.
I think the community feels the weight of this too. Watch reality shows – or not – where sex is just a commodity, and people bounce from partner to partner. If I could choose one word to describe what follows, it’s “drama.” It turns out that two people from Jersey Shore can throw all of Jersey into turmoil.
Neither individuals nor communities thrive without boundaries in this area.[29] We aren’t designed to. We are inescapably sexually covenantal, and covenants thrive in boundaries. It is one of the holy things that we dare not throw to the dogs[30]; it’s a pearl of great price that we out not throw into the muck to be trampled.
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[1] RECOMMENDED RESOURCES
· The Meaning of Marriage, Timothy and Kathy Keller
· The Mingling of Souls, Matt Chandler
· Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, John Piper and Justin Taylor
· Real Sex, Lauren Winner
· The Thrill of the Chaste, Dawn Eden
· Fill These Hearts: God, Sex and the Universal Longing, Christopher West
· Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With? Sam Allberry
· Our Bodies Tell God’s Story, Christopher West
· Love Thy Body, Nancy Pearcey
[2] “God made us sexual, and He glories in his plan for our union and joy. Evil hates what God loves, and it has found that more harm can be done through sex then perhaps any other means. Often the chief battleground for the human soul is the terrain of sexuality.” - Dan Allendar
[3] Which will include some discussion on how this applies to those who are not married. Some recommended resources: “Confessions of a Sex-Starved Single” (todayschristianwoman.com); “ Single In Christ And A Sexual Being (equip.org);“The Single Person’s Good Desire for Sex” (desiringgod.org).
[4] “Made…In Complementary Community” – Part 1 and Part 2 (clgonline.org)
[5] “Erasing Shame: Finding Forgiveness For Sexual Sin” (boundless.org)
[6] As articulated in Genesis 1 and 2 and confirmed by Jesus (Matthew 19:5; Mark 10-6-9) and the New Testament writers (Ephesians 5:31)
[7] Proverbs 5: 15-19; Proverbs 6:32; Hebrews 13:4; 1 Corinthians 6:13-20; Matthew 5:27-28; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5; 1 Corinthians 7:3-5; Ephesians 5:3; Romans 13:13-14; Song of Songs; Genesis 39:7-10; Romans 1; Jude 1:7; Acts 15:29.
[8] Genesis 2:22-24; Ephesians 5; Proverbs 5; Matthew 19:4-6; 1 Corinthians 7; Colossians 3; Malachi 2:13-16; 1 Peter 3; Hebrews 13
[9] “Consensuality isn’t wrong; it’s simply unable to provide the moral framework to produce true human flourishing in sexuality, since even our individual choices and desires are shaped by our complex and not-so-moral environment…No decision is made in a vacuum. Consensuality isn’t bad; it’s just not enough… All good sex should be consensual, but not all consensual sex is part of human flourishing.” - Preston Sprinkle, “Divine Sex Part 3: Sex In A Culture Of Consumerism.” Also, see my blog post entitled “Consent Is Not Enough,” https://empiresandmangers.blogspot.com/2018/01/consent-is-not-enough.html
[10] 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
[11] Proverbs 5:15-20
[12] Teenagers account for 30% of the population but have 50% of the STD’s in America.
[13] See Meg Meeker's Epidemic: How Teen Sex Is Killing Our Kids.
[14] Laura Sessions Stepp's book Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both offers a sobering view of both the physical and emotional toll promiscuity takes on women in particular.
[15] Galatians 6:7
[16] “We all know that we can speak through the language of our bodies without uttering a word. A wave of the hand says hello or goodbye. Of the shrug of the shoulders says I don't know. A raised fist express his anger. The body also speaks and amazingly profound language in sexual intercourse. Through gestures and reactions, through the whole dynamism of tension and enjoyment, whose direct source is the body and its masculinity and femininity, the body and its action and interaction, through all this the person speaks.” Christopher West, Our Bodies Tell God’s Story
[17] “Sex is God’s appointed way for two people to reciprocally say to one another, ‘I belong completely, permanently, and exclusively to you’” Tim and Kathy Keller, The Meaning Of Marriage. Sex was made to unite and bind us in the communion of an exclusive, permanent covenant, not make us wonder if we performed well enough, or if the other person will be there in the morning, or how we can go about it next time without getting so emotionally involved.
[18] Thanks, Carey Waldie, for pointing me toward this example, and for letting me shamelessly plunder all your notes on this issue for my sermon series.
[19] Song of Solomon; Proverbs 5:19
[20] 1 Corinthians 7
[21] I like the distinction Christopher West makes between lust and love in the context of lovemaking: “Marital intercourse is meant to be passionate. But the passion of lust is one thing, and the passion of imaging and expressing Divine Love is another. The former is like an untrained person banging recklessly on a piano, making meaningless noise. The ladder is like a professional musician who sits at the piano and makes music that lifts our souls to the heavens. Which kind of passion do we prefer?
[22] Ephesians 5
[23] A US News and World Report story from State University of New York and the University of Chicago noted that of all sexually active people, “the people who reported being most physically pleased and emotionally satisfied were married couples… Physical and emotional satisfaction started to decline when people had more than one sexual partner.” “A monogamous sexual partnership in formal marriage evidently produces the greatest satisfaction and pleasure.” (Social Organization of Sexuality)
[24] True story: Everyone agrees that not every sexual desire is equally good, and that some may even be harmful. Christianity is not unique because it has boundaries; it just draws those boundaries in different places for different reasons.
[25] Pornography clearly undermines the dignity of individuals and the coherence of community For some introductory information, the following articles from Salvo Magazine (salvomag.com) may be helpful:
· “Slave Master How Pornography Drugs & Changes Your Brain”
· “Porn Is Not Free”
· “Porn In The USA”
· “The Porn Factor”
· “The Science of Pornography”
[26] “Sexual assault is a violation of sacred space. To mistreat someone is to mistreat something God has made. David realizes that what he has done to Bathsheba is a sin against God precisely because her sexual integrity is something God has given her. David violation of Bathsheba is no less than treason against God.” Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With?Sam Allberry
[27] Genesis 1:26-27
[28] 1 Corinthians 6:19
[29] Boundaries are a HUGE deal in the Old Testament, from property markers (Proverbs 22:28; Proverbs 23:10) to all the separation in Genesis 1 to not mixing seeds and fabrics in the Law.
[30] Matthew 7:6